With the start of the next Sovereignty Circles group less than 2 weeks away, I've been thinking and reading a lot about the ways that women keep themselves imprisoned in old stories and patterns, limiting their aliveness and overall Sovereignty.
One really old pattern I see in women (including myself) is: Do you want to be wanted or want to be loved? This is a question I find intriguing but also a bit scary to look at. Having grown up in a home where how you looked was a big indicator for how much love you would receive, I think I was indoctrinated early to the practice of making others notice me. The big problem with this is: If I am always focused outwardly on getting attention, being wanted by others, I am not seeking my True self within. Who am I? What is it that I want? Have you struggled with this issue or has answering these questions ever been a challenge for you as well?
When I have that outward focus, I am placing myself as the Object that needs noticing. The Object of Desire. This is a state that I think so many women place themselves in. Our culture, our media, so many parts of our society put women here. And we have allowed it. And it’s left us with a feeling of emptiness and disconnection from ourselves. The word ‘reification’ personifies this – treating people as objects, not people. It leads to separation and comes from a huge arrogance based on misguided assumptions.
One of the traps of being an Object of Desire is learning a false sense of control. Women have learned indirect ways of being – subtle manipulation for control of others. Seeking power through an outward objectification of self. By knowing how to make you want me, I can have control. All of this lives behind a mask of falseness. And in learning so well to be these empty, inauthentic selves, we have lost our True selves completely. Any wonder that so many of us are confused, depressed and tired? I think not.
What I think we really want is to be loved. Truly and with acceptance for our whole self. The light and the shadow. But an object has no shadow – she is a false representation – like on a movie set: there’s a front but nothing behind it. So if you’re being an object, you can’t be really loved because you’re not really all there. Real love includes embracing the whole package. So what’s the Solution? Become the Subject of Desire – the Subject of your Own Life!
The first step to this new identity as Subject is noticing when you’re not being it! Paying attention to the inner motivation that creates outward behaviors seeking attention. Where do you do this? Is it what you think as you choose your clothes each day? Or what you choose to share with people when you meet, especially those you want acceptance and attention from? Where are you engaged and involved in revealing who you are, and where are you hiding behind the objectification of yourself?
The next step is listening. Making time to slow down and hear what’s inside you. Connecting with your heart and your true source of Divinity in the world. I advocate heavily for the downtime needed to go deeply inside yourself. My Retreats and Coaching are programs of self-discovery to nourish your Soul. My passion for this stems from knowing intimately the difference in how it feels to live as an Object of Desire and having a creative, compassionate, open-minded and fun relationship with who I really am. It’s the source of true harmony within, when you know yourself well, accept the whole package and are engaged in growing to be the best you. We give our gifts best when we have had the rest, and reflection we need to show up centered.
The third step is action. Taking that learning and discovery and acting in accordance with your values and authentic self. Making choices that honor your True self first instead of compromising that self from an overpowering need to be seen and desired by others. We can reflect as much as we want but without action, it’s navel-gazing. We can act and react, but without considering the beliefs that lie below our actions, it will be shallow. What sort of life do you want? To be the Object or the Subject?
I just read in USA Today a comment by Michele Obama that will be published in Prevention Magazine. She said, “Do what makes you happy. I have freed myself to put me on the priority list and say, yes, I can make choices that make me happy, and it will ripple and benefit my kids, my husband and my physical health." I love her stepping up and making this statement. What a great role model for women who want to reject being an Object and the limited, false life that comes with it and instead, choose one of depth in an honest and loving relationship with themselves.
If you are seeking that sort of Life, let’s talk. I am experienced at uncovering the old stories, revealing their falseness and supporting you in reconnecting with your Authentic Self.
Victoria
